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Wednesday, October 22, 2003
1.taking back sunday vs. brand new
taking back sunday
2. anatomy of a ghost vs. coheed and cambria
coheed and cambria, duh.
3. the used vs. thrice
hello, is this thing on? THRICE
4. thursday vs. my chemical romance
Thursday
5. the movielife vs. fairweather
Fairweather, definitely. they put on such kick ass shows
6. fall out boy vs. the starting line
The Starting Line
7. atreyu vs. shai hulud
mmm...gonna have to go with shai hulud
8. the mars volta vs. sparta
Definitely the mars volta
9. count the stars vs. the ataris
ataris. hands down.
10. spitalfield vs. the rocket summer
Spitalfield
11. saves the day vs. mae
Saves the Day
12. something corporate vs. straylight run
i cant say theyre my favorite, but they do have a few songs i enjoy....something corporate
13. chris carrabba vs. conor oberst
holy fuck is this a trick question? they are both beautiful, talented, and amazing lyricists
14. CT BATTLE: doozer vs. grover dill
no comprendé
15. hidden in plain view vs. the early november
mmmmmmmmmm the early november
16. saosin vs. alexisonfire
never even heard of them
17. alkaline trio vs. vendetta red
Alkaline Trio i guess
18. glassjaw vs. from autumn to ashes
Glassjaw...i think i hate autumn to ashes
19. the anniversary vs. the reunion show
The Anniversary
20. yellowcard vs. silverstein
Yellowcard = el-fun-o
21. backstreet boys vs. nsync
nsync, just because they had that song "drive myself crazy" which is awesome
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
i just cried over a fucking chemistry lab. what the hell? i just got so pissed off because dr. doumit says i didnt add the ammonia solution but i know i did...i diluted 120 ml of NH 3 with 100 ml of water, added 100 ml to the "new" solution, retrieved 1 ml and poured the remaining 119 ml into the "old" solution, just as we were instructed to do. we still got full credit for the lab, so i dont know why im so pissed off. it just gave me a headache. i dont know why i cried. im drinking a glass of water (though i might rather it be a glass of whiskey) and it calmed me down a bit.
saturday was too much fun...hanging with liz and lyn and brian and dave has been awesome. its so drama free and we have so much fun. liz and lyn are two of the most generous and kind girls ive met in a long time, not to mention they are freaking hilarious.
dave (L) and brian (R) are so precious!
ok im done venting. ill soon have pictures up of me and connie may fowler, and fill in all the details of the welty symposium.
Monday, October 13, 2003
Oh yeah, and one of my favorite authors, Connie May Fowler, is going to be at Welty Weekend!!! I am so excited. I can't wait :) i have a previous journal composed of some quotes from her novel Before Women Had Wings...see also: journal header quote
BTW: Eudora Welty graduated from the W, so now we host a writers symposium in her honor or whatever.
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." - General George Patton
I dressed up as a naughty catholic school girl last year for Halloween...my friend Derek wrote a poem about it:
Naughty School Girl
You naughty school girl, with that grin
Pull up those socks and cover that skin
You don't fool anyone with that church-girl look
'Cause when it comes to naughty, you wrote the book
Look, you dropped your pencil! Oh yes, Oh my!
I'd like to get a peice of that american pie
So you naughty school girl, with your socks to your knees
Never give it up but you're still the biggest tease
haha i thought i was funny. this was exciting to find.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Don't be anyone's slogan...be their charity.
well, good news.
this morning i had definitely decided i was withdrawing from the university so i could go home and not be so stressed about a job and money and all the while help my parents pay their bills. i could go to school next semester at walter state. well i went to see nancy in financial aid to talk to her about that. she called in mr. rainer, and basically they decided to give me a perkins loan through the school. that was good, but it didnt help me get a job, and i still owed some money to the school. they were doing every kind of override they could to try to get things taken care of. i had to go to class and they had a meeting with the vice president of the university to go to, so they said come back after class. i did, and at the meeting they talked to the vp and exlained my situation. in a nutshell, he told them to increase one of my scholarships (i have 3 through the school--one for $4000, one for $1500 and one for $1800...but tuition is right at 14 thou) from $1800 to over $4000, since i have all As in my classes and they can tell i am working hard for my degree. im not sure exactly WHAT they did, but i get a refund check for almost $1500 and job in financial aid. so it appears things are set...i went and talked to dr. wesley (the vp) and thanked him.
but today was still very...emotional. i was upset all morning, i just cried and cried. i didnt want to go back home, but i didnt feel like i had an option. i have been EVERYWHERE for a job, and i felt like i was just walking into a dead end. then they offered me a job, more scholarships, fee waivers, etc. id be stupid not to take that, so i did. but i am so sick of being everyones exception. everyones charity case. everyone having to see me vulnerable and everyone pitying me. I get to spend my life feeling indebted to all these gracious, pitying people. what a fucking way to live. and im not being proud...if theres one thing ive had to learn its how to be humble. dont be ashamed about accepting charity, right? just for once id like to be able to do something on my own, and not have to ask for help. maybe for once be on the other side of the altruism. be the philanthropist. but i would never pity.
i went down to the second floor to make cookies today, and ended up hanging out with this girl liz and her friend sarah from state. her friends dave and brian came up, and they invited me to spend the weekend in jackson with them. i couldnt this weekend, but i think were all going to do something next weekend. we went down to the river, and swung on the rope swing off the bridge. then, decided to get IN the river. it was kinda chilly. it was fun, and i was glad to meet some people who have some of the same interests. they also take trips out to cleveland...apparently some guy has bands play shows at his house, and then whoever wants to just crashes for the night, since its 2 hours away from us. they said next time they go i was more than welcome, so i think that sounds like fun.
well, i cant go home for halloween. but thats ok i guess, i really need to focus on things here.
i watched "il m'aime il ne m'aime pas" (He loves me, He loves me not) tonight...oh my gosh it was freaking amazing. it has audrey tautou, the girl from Amelie...its about Angelique (tautou) who is in love with a cardiologist...but he is married and has a child on the way...you watch the beginning of the movie thinking its a sweet romance novel...then, there is are HUGE plot twists, turning it into a psychological drama. i would pick this as foreign film of the year. it is so so phenomenal.
recommended movies of the week: Pi and He loves me He loves me not (is she crazy in love, or is she just crazy?)
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Tonight I went to a seminar on Faerie lore…it was extremely interesting…hence my new fascination and most likely soon-to-be obsession with Celtic faeries.
I also watched Darren Aronofsky’s movie Pi today…it absolutely blew me away. It was so unpredictable and just so…amazing. There is no other way to describe it. The cinematography was absolutely phenomenal…im not sure who did it, but im willing to bed it was the same guy (Steven Poster) who did the cinematography for Requiem for a Dream and Someone to Watch Over Me. And once the main character shaves his head, he looks just like my biology teacher…
Speaking of biology, we actually discussed something interesting today…Thermodynamics. We aren’t going to go into great detail, considering it’s a biology class, not chemistry…but it’s a hell of a lot better than membranes.
My good friend Mark sent me the new Thursday cd, along with Pi, a band called Solar and Finch’s “What it is to Burn,” since forrest ruined my old finch cd and I am too poor to buy anything. It made my absolutely terrible week.
I got a pre-screening for depression today…Lindsay would probably be relieved. She’s been telling me to see a therapist for the past…mmmmmm, year I’d say. Basically the woman told me I seriously needed to call and schedule an appointment for further counseling…my dad is bi-polar and she wants to make sure that I get examined for what is a potentially “dangerous disease”…to see if I just need counseling or actual medication. So I guess I will do that pretty soon…maybe even just having someone to talk to will be relieving.
Monday, October 06, 2003
I'm really bummed today--things just haven't been going my way. i am really trying to make the best of it, but i can only keep smiling for so long.
first of all, i cant find a job down here. i dont know when my refund check is going to be in, and i think im still going to need a couple hours a week after that for extra spending money, since i will use the check to pay my bills. i have to pay for that ticket coming up, so im really stressed about that. but i cant just go home, renee and todd and midge and eddie invested so much on me coming down here. i feel like everything they did would have been a waste--especially because i told them i had a job--which i thought i did, the women just informed me when i got down here that she didnt need me. so i was shit out of luck, pretty much. and the grill cant work with a student schedule, so...i really dont want to disappoint the howards. its just SO hard, they dont understand--there are NO jobs here. i have applied so many places and been to so many interviews--i just dont know what else to do. a lot of friends have offered to lend me money, but i really dont want to borrow anymore, im in debt enough as it is. and im not being prideful for not taking peoples money, its just that its not their responsibility ive got to pay my phone bill too, or its going to be cut off.
my roommate is driving me crazy. most of the time we get along, but sometimes she does things that just make me irate. for example, we were watching an old move, and i didnt know what time it was set it...it was during some war. she acted like i was a complete idiot because i didnt know when the war was. she was like "dont you CARE about your nation's history?" frankly, no. i moved around so much as a kid that i was never in a school longer than 6-9 months. every school i went to was at a different place in english, history, math, any part of the curriculum. i learned jack shit about history, and it really doesnt interest me now. i watched primal fear last night, and she went to watch the ball game down stairs. when she came back up i asked her had she ever seen it, and she said no and made this face like "um, no. thats stupid." she all the time acts like the things i do or, in this case, the movies i watch are stupid. thats one thing that drives me nuts...she likes movies like The Transporter for crying out loud! She wont watch a movie that has cussing in it unless its one she wants to watch...if its one I want to watch, shell say "i dont want to watch this, i think it has too much language. are you going to finish watching it? because if you are ill go downstairs or leave the room or something." i know its so petty, but most of the time its her tone of voice. i guess thats what happens with roommates--you start picking out their small faults and thats what really grates on your nerves. i just get so sick of her high and mighty, holier-than-thou attitude. i dont know maybe im PMSing.
i talked to blake the other night, and it was really good to see how he was doing. it seems like hes much happier now that hes doing his own thing. he broke away from what he was expected to do, or what was routine or what was easiest to do, and things are going really well for him. im glad for him, because for awhile he seemed so unhappy and i hated to see him that way. i guess in that way he and i are in the same situation--i broke away from the norm and came down here--but if only he knew what kind of impact he had on me moving to mississippi...thats one truth, i think, that i have never been able to tell him.
im just really upset because i really really miss home, and things were so much easier there, as far as job stability and whatnot. but if i DO go home, i know im going to find myself in the same situations I based my decision for leaving on. Im really afraid of disappointing renee and todd, i dont want to have to help my parents pay the bills anymore, i dont want to feel pulled in a thousand different directions by a thousand different people. things would be ok down here if i could just get a job. it really is a nice break from everything and everyone i wanted to get away from, so its not that im ungrateful. im just really stressed because i dont know what to do, and today has just been disappointing. im just filled with an overwhelming sadness...
Thursday, October 02, 2003
| Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.
- H.L. Mencken
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I have come to the conclusion that it's not whether I do or don't believe in God, it's that I just don't care. When it comes down to it, I guess I do believe there is a God, because something made us, I refuse to believe we could just "evolve" from a single cell unless some kind of higher power ordered it so, I just don't care if we are born with sinful natures, have to be baptized to go to heaven, are "once saved always saved", or any other debate concerning religion or denomination. I don't feel as if any of these issues affect me.
I'm not saying I don't care about anything at all--I do. I am not heartless, cold or unfeeling; however, religious issues, such as the aforementioned, don't even cross my mind as relevant. And if they are--guess what? I don't care. Sure, I could argue all day with the best of 'em (and keep up), but where do religious debates get you? No where. And why is this? Because it doesn't really matter. These questions are simple enough, yet there are still people out there who would love to argue with me over the importance of their precious "religion". That's fine, go look in a mirror and argue with your reflection until your face turns blue. I Don't Care.
A lot of it has to do with the fact that I have a very strong lack of convictions. Can't help it. There are things I do that I know are quote "wrong", but I do them anyways and don't think twice about it. I don't feel as if I'm doing the right thing, but I don't feel as if I'm "sinning" either. Reminds me of a lyric..."But to be forgiven we must first believe in sin." ah well anyways, im just not one of those folks who can get worked up about all that much anymmore. I still have a sense of ethics, and have retained several of my values (which, yes, undoubtedly spawn from being raised in church), but my actual appreciation of these things is virtually nonexistent. Call me ungrateful, call me stupid, call me wrong, call me whatever you want--I guarantee I wouldn't argue or even be offended.
So I went online. I figured there had to be something on apatheism, and if there wasn't...well, I was going to have to make something up. But low and behold, I found exactly what I was looking for.
Apatheism:
There are four main roots of theology (we'll ignore the various ascetic, moral, dogmatic, etc. branches of theology and stick to the roots): theism, agnosticism, atheism, and apatheism - all of which answer to ideas of the existence of supreme beings. Simply put, theists don't deny, agnostics don't know, atheists don't believe, and apatheists don't care about the existence of gods.
Apatheists neither believe in nor deny the existence of gods. They simply aren't interested one way or the other. To Apatheists, the "god question" is profoundly unimportant. Even if there were a blatant, undisputed answer to the question, we would most likely go on living our lives the same ways we already do.
There are several "sects" of Apatheism. There are many NP Apatheists - the Non-Practicing kind, which generally makes sense if you're an Apatheist. Others are Latent Apatheists, meaning they are but don't know it yet. Another common form is Closet Apatheism - pretending to be a member of some religion, but really, deep down, not caring one way or another whether god(s) exist. Evangelical Apatheism, practiced by many members of the Church of Apatheism, attempts to nonchalantly spread the tenets of Apatheistic thought, and to provide intellectual sanctuary to apatheists everywhere.
There is a common misconception that Apatheists don't care about anything. Apatheists might be interested - fascinated even - in all sorts of other questions of life and existence. General apathy is not necessarily an Apatheistic trait, but it admittedly provides a springboard for the "leap of indifference". |
On a lighter note, Lucy and I went to the thrift store yesterday. I got a kick ass parka for $5 bucks and a rockin' thermos for $0.50!
This thing is so amazing...its one of those old metal thermoses...an example of its awesomeness:
Today, at 7:30 AM, I put hot coffee in it to drink during my first class. Alas, it was still far too hot to drink. And so I waited. During my second class--Nope! Still too hot. And so I waited. And waited. Here it is, 4:30 PM, and I just poured it into a coffee mug--just the right temperature! I think from now on this thing should be called the "Wonder Thermos" because of its amazing thermal power. Then when people look at it they will ooo and aaah at all its might.
I am reading a book called Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth. It's a "graphic" novel (i.e. a really long comic book). However, it's not entirely comedic. So far (and I'm about halfway done) it has had every element of a "regular" novel (drama, romance [or lack thereof], dreams, family ties, humor, death, etc.). I think it's pretty good, but I am anxious to finish because I am dying to start Chuck Palahniuk's Invisible Monsters. I finished Choke last week...now that's what I call a "graphic" novel! After I finish IM, I have 5 other books I checked out from the library, one being Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. It's one of my favorite movies, so I want to read the book. The others I checked out are either by JP Sartre or about philosophies of existence...the collective book I got touches on theories of Keirkegaard, Heidegger, Jaspers, Marcel, and Sartre. Not to mention I haven't finished reading Les Miserables...I keep re-reading my favorite part--the night Jean Valjean steals the silver from the Bishop and the morning after. The way Hugo describes the Bishop positively takes my breath away.
(Describing the Bishop) "His head what thrown back on the pillow, in the careless attitude of repose; his hand, adorned with the pastoral ring, and whence had fallen so many good deeds and so many holy actions, was hanging over the edge of the bed. His whole face was illumined with a vague expression of satisfaction, of hope, and of felicity. It was more than a smile, and almost a radiance. He bore upon his brow the indescribable reflection of a light which was invisible. The soul of the just contemplates in sleep a mysterious heaven.
A reflection of that heaven rested on the Bishop.
It was, at the same time, a luminous transparency, for that heaven was within him. That heaven was his conscience.
At that moment when the ray of moonlight superposed itself, so to speak, upon that inward radiance, the sleeping Bishop seemed as in a glory. It remained, however, gentle and veiled in an ineffable half-light. That moon in the sky [. . .] enveloped in a sort of serene and majestic aureole that white hair, those closed eyes, that face in which all was hope and all was confidence, that head of an old man, and that slumber of an infant."
[Later]
"The gleam of the moon renedered confusedly visible on the crucifix over the chimney-piece, which seemed to be extending its arms to both of them, with a benediction for one and a pardon for the other."
Does good literature get more beautiful and eloquent than that? That italicized words are one of my very favorite parts.
After reading these books, I still want to get some literature by Carl Jung. Believe it or not, there was nothing in the MUW library by him. That's all right, I have quite a bit of reading to do for the time being.
I can't wait until Saturday morning--Lucy and I are going to sleep in (or rather, just not wake up by an alarm clock) and when we get up, we are going to make blueberry muffins and eggs and have them with bananas and coffee while we watch Breakfast at Tiffanys. Then I must spend the day studying for my next Biology exam...and writing my informative speech for next thursday...and probably starting my next lit paper, due the 21 of this month...and perhaps ill even start my Biology paper (topic of choice: how proteins function as enzymes).
This, I think, has been the longest effin journal entry. Therefore, I should shut up. I have to go work out in 30 minutes anyway.
Monday, September 29, 2003
Quotes from Connie May Fowler's book "Before Women Had Wings"
"Mama always said the Devil steals tears--keeps them in a box with your name on it so that when you go to Hell you spend eternity crying the stored-up tearddrops of a lifetime."
"Men make the shit in this world. Let them wallow in it."
"But maybe, just maybe, forgiveness exists not to excuse the sinner but to heal those who suffered."
"Whether I was staring into my Mama's black eyes or the tissue-thin pages of my bible, forgiveness was not in abundace. But the wrath of God surely was."
"sadness has a way of giving birth to more sadness."
"sunsets are the moods of God reflected off the wings of birds."
"It's a place of new beginnings, a place where life starts over again everyday. Yes, that's exactly right. It's the beginning of creation. Forever."
"We were square pegs in a round world."
"Now I wasn't ready to say I didn't believe in God, and I still read that Gideon Bible, trying for the life of me to understand the mysteries of faith, but I didn't feel special in his eyes anymore. And when you've been jilted by the Son of God, there's no easy way to get over that sorrow."
"Religion and life were two pinballs forever colliding in my head."
"I was smart enough to know that there wouldn't ever be winners in a game based on meanheartedness."
"But when you can't imagine the future, and the past is too awful to mention, words tend to stick in the back of your throat. And when you do think of something to say, it usually comes out wrong."
there are some other phrases and such that are really good but they just don't make sense unless youre reading the book.
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 RichGirlsLilyMarch 18th 1985 (Age 24) Female Sevierville "I have stretched cords from steeple to steeple, garlands from window to window, chains of gold from star to star, and I dance" (Rimbaud). King David leaped and danced naked before the ark of the Lord in a barren desert. Here the very looped soil is an intricate throng of praise. Make connections; let rip; and dance where you can.
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