so well start with a picture of connie may fowler and myself:



she shared an excerpt from her book, it sounds so awesome and i cant wait until it comes out. it was incredible meeting her--she was so jubiliant and so radiant--it had to have been contagious because i know i walked out of the symposium smiling from ear to ear. listening to her read from her new book makes me want to start writing again.

today i almost fell down the stairs on the way to the bathroom at work this morning, lol. so after i scared myself half to death by nearly cracking my head open, i went to the bathroom. thats when i realized i put my underwear on inside out this morning. i got dressed in the dark because my roommate was still asleep. haha, i laughed hard about that one.

1.taking back sunday vs. brand new
taking back sunday

2. anatomy of a ghost vs. coheed and cambria
coheed and cambria, duh.

3. the used vs. thrice
hello, is this thing on? THRICE

4. thursday vs. my chemical romance
Thursday

5. the movielife vs. fairweather
Fairweather, definitely. they put on such kick ass shows

6. fall out boy vs. the starting line
The Starting Line

7. atreyu vs. shai hulud
mmm...gonna have to go with shai hulud

8. the mars volta vs. sparta
Definitely the mars volta

9. count the stars vs. the ataris
ataris. hands down.

10. spitalfield vs. the rocket summer
Spitalfield

11. saves the day vs. mae
Saves the Day

12. something corporate vs. straylight run
i cant say theyre my favorite, but they do have a few songs i enjoy....something corporate

13. chris carrabba vs. conor oberst
holy fuck is this a trick question? they are both beautiful, talented, and amazing lyricists

14. CT BATTLE: doozer vs. grover dill
no comprendé

15. hidden in plain view vs. the early november
mmmmmmmmmm the early november

16. saosin vs. alexisonfire
never even heard of them


17. alkaline trio vs. vendetta red
Alkaline Trio i guess

18. glassjaw vs. from autumn to ashes
Glassjaw...i think i hate autumn to ashes

19. the anniversary vs. the reunion show
The Anniversary

20. yellowcard vs. silverstein
Yellowcard = el-fun-o

21. backstreet boys vs. nsync
nsync, just because they had that song "drive myself crazy" which is awesome

i just cried over a fucking chemistry lab. what the hell? i just got so pissed off because dr. doumit says i didnt add the ammonia solution but i know i did...i diluted 120 ml of NH₃ with 100 ml of water, added 100 ml to the "new" solution, retrieved 1 ml and poured the remaining 119 ml into the "old" solution, just as we were instructed to do.  we still got full credit for the lab, so i dont know why im so pissed off. it just gave me a headache. i dont know why i cried. im drinking a glass of water (though i might rather it be a glass of whiskey) and it calmed me down a bit.

saturday was too much fun...hanging with liz and lyn and brian and dave has been awesome. its so drama free and we have so much fun. liz and lyn are two of the most generous and kind girls ive met in a long time, not to mention they are freaking hilarious. 

dave (L) and brian (R) are so precious!


ok im done venting. ill soon have pictures up of me and connie may fowler, and fill in all the details of the welty symposium.

Oh yeah, and one of my favorite authors, Connie May Fowler, is going to be at Welty Weekend!!! I am so excited. I can't wait :) i have a previous journal composed of some quotes from her novel Before Women Had Wings...see also: journal header quote

BTW: Eudora Welty graduated from the W, so now we host a writers symposium in her honor or whatever.

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." - General George Patton

I dressed up as a naughty catholic school girl last year for Halloween...my friend Derek wrote a poem about it:

Naughty School Girl

You naughty school girl, with that grin
Pull up those socks and cover that skin
You don't fool anyone with that church-girl look
'Cause when it comes to naughty, you wrote the book
Look, you dropped your pencil! Oh yes, Oh my!
I'd like to get a peice of that american pie
So you naughty school girl, with your socks to your knees

Never give it up but you're still the biggest tease

haha i thought i was funny. this was exciting to find.

well, good news.

this morning i had definitely decided i was withdrawing from the university so i could go home and not be so stressed about a job and money and all the while help my parents pay their bills. i could go to school next semester at walter state. well i went to see nancy in financial aid to talk to her about that. she called in mr. rainer, and basically they decided to give me a perkins loan through the school. that was good, but it didnt help me get a job, and i still owed some money to the school. they were doing every kind of override they could to try to get things taken care of. i had to go to class and they had a meeting with the vice president of the university to go to, so they said come back after class. i did, and at the meeting they talked to the vp and exlained my situation. in a nutshell, he told them to increase one of my scholarships (i have 3 through the school--one for $4000, one for $1500 and one for $1800...but tuition is right at 14 thou) from $1800 to over $4000, since i have all As in my classes and they can tell i am working hard for my degree. im not sure exactly WHAT they did, but i get a refund check for almost $1500 and job in financial aid. so it appears things are set...i went and talked to dr. wesley (the vp) and thanked him.

but today was still very...emotional. i was upset all morning, i just cried and cried. i didnt want to go back home, but i didnt feel like i had an option. i have been EVERYWHERE for a job, and i felt like i was just walking into a dead end. then they offered me a job, more scholarships, fee waivers, etc. id be stupid not to take that, so i did. but i am so sick of being everyones exception. everyones charity case. everyone having to see me vulnerable and everyone pitying me. I get to spend my life feeling indebted to all these gracious, pitying people. what a fucking way to live. and im not being proud...if theres one thing ive had to learn its how to be humble. dont be ashamed about accepting charity, right? just for once id like to be able to do something on my own, and not have to ask for help. maybe for once be on the other side of the altruism. be the philanthropist. but i would never pity.

i went down to the second floor to make cookies today, and ended up hanging out with this girl liz and her friend sarah from state. her friends dave and brian came up, and they invited me to spend the weekend in jackson with them. i couldnt this weekend, but i think were all going to do something next weekend. we went down to the river, and swung on the rope swing off the bridge. then, decided to get IN the river. it was kinda chilly. it was fun, and i was glad to meet some people who have some of the same interests. they also take trips out to cleveland...apparently some guy has bands play shows at his house, and then whoever wants to just crashes for the night, since its 2 hours away from us. they said next time they go i was more than welcome, so i think that sounds like fun.

well, i cant go home for halloween. but thats ok i guess, i really need to focus on things here.

Tonight I went to a seminar on Faerie lore…it was extremely interesting…hence my new fascination and most likely soon-to-be obsession with Celtic faeries.

 

I also watched Darren Aronofsky’s movie Pi  today…it absolutely blew me away. It was so unpredictable and just so…amazing. There is no other way to describe it.  The cinematography was absolutely phenomenal…im not sure who did it, but im willing to bed it was the same guy (Steven Poster) who did the cinematography for Requiem for a Dream and Someone to Watch Over Me. And once the main character shaves his head, he looks just like my biology teacher…

 

Speaking of biology, we actually discussed something interesting today…Thermodynamics. We aren’t going to go into great detail, considering it’s a biology class, not chemistry…but it’s a hell of a lot better than membranes.

 

My good friend Mark sent me the new Thursday cd, along with Pi, a band called Solar and Finch’s “What it is to Burn,” since forrest ruined my old finch cd and I am too poor to buy anything. It made my absolutely terrible week.

 

I got a pre-screening for depression today…Lindsay would probably be relieved. She’s been telling me to see a therapist for the past…mmmmmm, year I’d say.  Basically the woman told me I seriously needed to call and schedule an appointment for further counseling…my dad is bi-polar and she wants to make sure that I get examined for what is a potentially “dangerous disease”…to see if I just need counseling or actual medication. So I guess I will do that pretty soon…maybe even just having someone to talk to will be relieving.

Best Mother Effin' Link Possible..."Scrapbook"

much love, bro.

I'm really bummed today--things just haven't been going my way. i am really trying to make the best of it, but i can only keep smiling for so long.

first of all, i cant find a job down here. i dont know when my refund check is going to be in, and i think im still going to need a couple hours a week after that for extra spending money, since i will use the check to pay my bills. i have to pay for that ticket coming up, so im really stressed about that. but i cant just go home, renee and todd and midge and eddie invested so much on me coming down here. i feel like everything they did would have been a waste--especially because i told them i had a job--which i thought i did, the women just informed me when i got down here that she didnt need me. so i was shit out of luck, pretty much. and the grill cant work with a student schedule, so...i really dont want to disappoint the howards. its just SO hard, they dont understand--there are NO jobs here. i have applied so many places and been to so many interviews--i just dont know what else to do. a lot of friends have offered to lend me money, but i really dont want to borrow anymore, im in debt enough as it is. and im not being prideful for not taking peoples money, its just that its not their responsibility  ive got to pay my phone bill too, or its going to be cut off.

my roommate is driving me crazy. most of the time we get along, but sometimes she does things that just make me irate. for example, we were watching an old move, and i didnt know what time it was set it...it was during some war. she acted like i was a complete idiot because i didnt know when the war was. she was like "dont you CARE about your nation's history?" frankly, no. i moved around so much as a kid that i was never in a school longer than 6-9 months. every school i went to was at a different place in english, history, math, any part of the curriculum. i learned jack shit about history, and it really doesnt interest me now. i watched primal fear last night, and she went to watch the ball game down stairs. when she came back up i asked her had she ever seen it, and she said no and made this face like "um, no. thats stupid." she all the time acts like the things i do or, in this case, the movies i watch are stupid. thats one thing that drives me nuts...she likes movies like The Transporter for crying out loud! She wont watch a movie that has cussing in it unless its one she wants to watch...if its one I want to watch, shell say "i dont want to watch this, i think it has too much language. are you going to finish watching it? because if you are ill go downstairs or leave the room or something." i know its so petty, but most of the time its her tone of voice. i guess thats what happens with roommates--you start picking out their small faults and thats what really grates on your nerves. i just get so sick of her high and mighty, holier-than-thou attitude. i dont know maybe im PMSing.

i talked to blake the other night, and it was really good to see how he was doing. it seems like hes much happier now that hes doing his own thing. he broke away from what he was expected to do, or what was routine or what was easiest to do, and things are going really well for him.  im glad for him, because for awhile he seemed so unhappy and i hated to see him that way. i guess in that way he and i are in the same situation--i broke away from the norm and came down here--but if only he knew what kind of impact he had on me moving to mississippi...thats one truth, i think, that i have never been able to tell him.

im just really upset because i really really miss home, and things were so much easier there, as far as job stability and whatnot. but if i DO go home, i know im going to find myself in the same situations I based my decision for leaving on. Im really afraid of disappointing renee and todd, i dont want to have to help my parents pay the bills anymore, i dont want to feel pulled in a thousand different directions by a thousand different people.  things would be ok down here  if i could just get a job. it really is a nice break from everything and everyone i wanted to get away from, so its not that im ungrateful. im just really stressed because i dont know what to do, and today has just been disappointing. im just filled with an overwhelming sadness...