so lets see...ive got transfer student orientation at UT this morning...check in between 7&8...thats freakin early... i got The Graduate on dvd the other day, it rocks :) i also had to pay 100 bucks for an AC adaptor for my laptop, but hey, i can burn cds now. i also got a rockin candle at joanne fabrics and the franz ferdinand cd for 9 bucks at best buy :-D i got to see dodgeball with micah and christian last saturday...they are always too fun to hang out with. sorry i cant go to lord lyndseys tonight, micah, i swear i will go next time and protect you from the gay men that seem to love you. do you fart pheramones, kid? been working like a crazy person. my sis is getting married, did i ever mention that? yep, she ordered her rings yesterday, and she should have them some time next week. they are getting married in mexico with oscars family first, and then coming up here for another ceremony. well gots to go get ready. everyone have a lovely weekend.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how i wish i were a more compassionate person. Compassion is something that is just in you, i know, but i feel like if i stopped thinking about myself so much and took the time to be more aware of others and their situations, i would naturally be a more compassionate. Compassion is something the whole world needs. It can be emotionally exhausting and even incredibly humbling, but i think in the end it is worth it because you get to see the birth of so many extraordinary things. it was so weird, because i had been thinking about this for a few days, and then the other night while driving on the interstate i saw a huge billboard with mother theresa on it that said COMPASSION in huge letters. funny, i literally saw a sign. as ive been thinking about this, i remember this song by keith green that i absolutely love. hes one of the christian artists i grew up on, and even to this day i still love his music. this song talks about how when the Lord comes he will separate the sheep from the goats, the sheep obviously being his followers and the goats being the non-followers. theres really no singing to the song, its more just telling a story, so some of it you have to imagine as a conversation (kind of). i just really like the point he makes about helping our neighbors. of course, in the song k. green make is like someone is having a conversation with God, and playing the "goat" he turned Him away. but then at the end of the song you realize he didnt literally mean he turned God away, but he turned his neighbor away, and that is the same as turning God away, because the scripture says 'In as much as you've not done it unto the least of my bretheren, You've not done it unto me." its just a very cool song how he shows all the excuses we make when we dont show compassion or decency.


"And when the Son Man comes, and all the Holy Angels with him,
Then shall he sit on His Glorious throne,
And he will divide the nations before Him, as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.
And she shall put the sheep on His right and the goats on His left,
And He shall say to the sheep;

GOD:
come ye, blessed of My Father,
inherit the Kingdom I have prepared for you from the foundation of the world,
For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink,
I was naked, and you clothed me,
I was a stranger, and you invited me in,
I was sick, and I was in prison, and you came to me.
Thank you! Enter into your rest.

And they shall answer Him, yes, they shall answer Him,
And they'll say,

SHEEP:
Lord, when?
When were you hungry Lord, and we gave you something to eat?
Lord, when were you thirsty? I can't remember. And we gave you drink?
Huh, when were you naked Lord, and we clothed you?
And Lord, when were you a stranger and we invited you in?
I mean, we invited lots of people in Lord. I could never forget that face.
And Lord, when were you sick and we visited you?
Or in prison, and we came to you? Lord, tell us?

GOD:
In as much as you did it to the least of my bretheren, you've done it unto me.
Oh yes, as much as you've done it to the very least of my bretheren, you've done it,
you've done it unto me. Enter into your rest.

Then He shall turn to those on His left, the goats.

GOD:
Depart from me, you cursed ones, into everlasting fire,
prepared for the devil and his angels.
For I was hungry, and you gave me nothing to eat,
I was thirsty, and you gave me nothing to drink,
I was naked, out in the cold, in exposure, and you sent me away,
I was a stranger, and I knocked at your door,
But you didn't open, you told me to go away,
I was sick, racked in pain upon my bed,
And I begged, and prayed, and pleaded that you'd come, but you didn't,
I was in prison, and I rotted there,
I'd prayed that you'd come.
I heard your programs on the radio, I read your magazines, but you never came.
Depart from me!!!

GOATS:
Lord, there must be some mistake, when?
Lord, I mean, when were you hungry Lord and we didn't give you something to eat?
And Lord, when were you thirsty, and we didn't give you drink?
I mean, that's not fair, well, would you like something now?
Would one of the Angels like to go out and get the Lord a hamburger and a coke?
Oh, you're not hungry, yeah, I lost my appetite too.
Uh Lord uh, Lord, when were you naked,
I mean Lord, that's not fair either Lord,
We didn't know what size you wear.
Oh Lord, when were you a stranger Lord,
You weren't one of those creepy people who used to come to the door, were you?
Oh Lord, that wasn't our ministry Lord. We just didn't feel led, you know?
Lord, when were you sick? What did you have, anyway?
Well, at least it wasn't fatal; oh, it was?
I'm sorry Lord, I would have sent you a card.
Lord, just on last thing we want to know,
When were you in prison Lord? What were you in for anyway?
I had a friend in Levenworth..

GOD:
ENOUGH!
In as much as you've not done it unto the least of my bretheren,
You've not done it unto me.
In as much as you've not done it unto the least of my bretheren,
You've not done it unto me. Depart from Me.
And these shall go away into everlasting fire.
But the righteous into eternal life!


And my friends, the only difference between the sheep and the goats, according to this scripture,
is what they did, and didn't do!!

why are things weird? how did it end up this way? im feeling extremely bummed out and honestly, a little suprised. i feel like ive been left a little empty handed...and maybe im not the only one. either way i feel...disappointed. on a brighter note, i got to hang with lindsay and baylor for several hours today...we ate a bellacinos and had ice cream, yum :) she really rescued me in a time of "need" tonight (haha!) and im sure shes totally laughing as she reads this, because she is the only one who knows and can find humor in it, hehe. we went to books a million today, and i got my dad a book for fathers day called "33 uses for a dad"...its just got a list of the 33 uses (which are things like ATM, taxi driver, friend, etc) with cute little drawings, but im going to go through and write little memories next to each of the uses, because althought ive had some serious issues with my dad this year, things are definitely blowing over, and i know i am extremely lucky to have him. he was an awesome dad growing up--i seriously could not have had better or more loving parents. and i think theyve learned as much from my siblings and myself as much as weve learned from them. i also got a journal, called an inspiration journal. it has prompts in it such as: "sprititually i..." and "today i am thankful for..." and "people in my thoughts today..." and "concerns i have..." im really hoping that it will help keep my spirits up as i slowly stop taking the zoloft. plus, im wanting to make more of an effort to be a little more spiritual...im going to try to make it to the early service of the universalist church this sunday, and id like to remember to thank God for everything he's created. I still dont believe in being saved per say, but id like to remember to give Him some credit. i hate taking such an amazing world forgranted. my mom backed into my car today, which sucks. she busted her tail light and took a great deal of paint off of her bumber. she took off my driver side mirrow and scraped all the way down the driver side door...i was bummed out but i think she was more upset than i was. shes getting me a rocking new pair of shoes at nike...they are super vintage looking, with light khaki suede and even lighter khaki nylon. the nylon has a faint flower print on it, and theres a baby blue nike check on the outside. the tread underneath is khaki also, and it sticks out just a tiny bit so you can see it. like i said, theyre really vintage looking and theyre only 20 bucks! oh, matt, im doing ok as of right now. the ol' plumbing is working a little better...ive had to get spine xrays and all that, and i go to the doc again on monday for results. they havent called saying "its very important you come see us immediately" or anything, so i dont think its too serious. i think hes more worried about me passing out than anything, because he thinks it might have been a seizure. but thanks for asking, dear :) i went to the show at java tonight, and i have to say that i think each band/artist there (4 altogether) was great. it was the first show in a long time where i really enjoyed all the bands. i got to see christian, but it was a bummer micah couldnt make it out. i miss the kid! guess im off to bed. hope everyone has a swell weekend. later days, kids.

*the six ways the batter can get on base without getting a hit *letting someone have the last word *outrageous banana splits *pitting yourself against the wilds *starting everyday a little happier because you have the newspaper delivered *want-to, have-to, ought-to feelings *the victory in good work *shaking the sugar packet vigorously to move the contents to the bottom before tearing it open *staying away from anyone named "Honest John" *the springy device attatched to the back of a door that prevents the doorknob from marring the wall *the joy and contentment of listening to favorite music *becoming reaquainted with the sunrise *a single flower meaning more than a dozen *honesty being the only policy *phrases from Shakespeare: rotten apple, a man of few words, cold comfort, mind's eye, one fell swoop, neither here nor there, its greek to me, its a mad world, haven't slept a wink, seen better days *happily alone in a crowd *hardback books *secondhand compliments *shy beginnings *trying to answer the phone before the answering machine comes on *a young forest in green pinstripes *the intensity of genius *seeing a red conflagration at dawn *people who brag that they never watch television but somehow know all the rules of the gameshows *Spam *"I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow" *looking at everything and everybody around you as if you're seeing it all for the first time *stopping to think about how you wish it could be and realizing how good you've got it *doing something nice for someone without letting on that you did it *pouring milk into a cereal bowl and knowing to stop when the edge starts to move *houses clustered like barnacles on the hills *having a heart *downtime to reset the mind's clock *the dance you perform when a rubber band is pointed at you *Jack Frost and his magic paing pot *those moments that go beyond words

i am trying to go to sleep but it is damn near impossible with people calling my cell phone. wtf!?!? i finally had to just turn the goddamn thing off. i read until 1 oclock, and within 15 minutes was drifting off nicely into sleep...until i got a text message and three phones calls in a matter of 15 minutes. jesus fucking christ, some people sleep, you know. granted, i am often up late, but i dont think that means people should call me at all hours of the morning. i dont call people at 130 in the morning unless i know for sure theyre awake. its common fucking courtesy. and i dont recall telling anyone that i was planning on being awake until 1 AM or giving them permission to call me at indecent hours. so FUCK OFF.

goodness it feels like ages since ive updated. well lets see what ive got: i went to the urologist, hes worried about me passing out, i had to get xrays of my spine and my vagina got invaded again but hey, its all for a good cause, right? i go back next week. liz's mom sent me my favorite necklace that i left at their house...yipee! and speaking of liz, i am going to visit her a week from this sunday, and i am ecstatic! were going to go hiking, rafting, and visit brian. i miss them both so much! brian and i have been playing phone tag for a few days, so it will be nice to get to see him in person. i bought two new skirts tonight, because i needed more dress clothes for work. i also got some hot pink hoop earrings :-D ive been wanting some. ive got to order a power hook-up thing from dell, because i lost my power cord and ive run the battery down on my laptop, so now it wont work until i can plug it in. i wonder how expensive that will be... tomorrow is the washdown at the pilot light...i havent heard them, but my *special friend* raves about them, so im excited. plus, i miss my *special friend* tonight. i only got to see him for a few hours today. :( ...and so speaking of my "special friend"...im so glad we started hanging out so soon. hes such a blast to be around. it sounds cheesy and trite, but when im with him i really feel like were the only two people in the world. i forget pretty much everything else thats going on. i feel like i can confide in him, and trust him, and be myself. thats an awesome feeling. when i walked into his room today and saw pictures of me in frames and whatnot, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :) ive been working...AT&T offered me a job today...which honestly, i would give ANYTHING to be able to take. the money is freaking awesome. but i really dont think i could quit on renee. but i might talk to her and see what she says about it, because i could really use the money. the store is nice though, and if i do stay here for the fall (which im thinking i might) they will make me assistant manager and pay me more. speaking of, ive got to call UT in the morning. i really love the following quote, because its something ive really had to deal with. everytime i feel like im over "it", "it" comes back, sometimes at full force (linds, you know to what i am referring). luckily for me, "it" has subsided quite a bit since the beginning of this year, and for that i am forever grateful. i dont think i could take another year of wishy washy emotions and erratic behaviors. this quote reminds me of how there really is always this wound, it never really heals, but thats ok because in the end there is nothing you can do about it except deal with it the best you can. "One writes of scars healed, a loose parallel to the pathology of the skin, but there is no such thing in the life on an individual. There are open wounds, shrunk sometimes to the size of a pinprick, but wounds still. The marks of suffering are more comparable to the loss of a finger, or the sight of an eye. We may not miss them, either, for one minute in a year, but if we should there is nothing to be done about it."

WORK (Pre Vagina Tales): alright so yesterday i went to work, and i had to pee. so i sat down on the toilet, and it took me about ten minutes before i could finally pee. i just thought i was having pee anxiety or something. a little later, i have to pee again. so i sit down to pee, and it takes me a really long time again. im just thinking, ok, this is kind of weird. around 12 is when i took my lunch break, and i had to pee then, but i decided to wait until after i was back from me break, since id probably have to pee then too. so i get back from my break, and renee needs me on the floor, but i really have to pee, so i tell her "wait i need to go to the restroom" and she said alright. so after sitting there for 5-10 minutes i finally came out and just started working. at this point i really had to go, but i was going to wait a little longer and see if i could go once my bladder was REALLY full. about 20 minutes later (around 1) renee wanted me to do a makeover on her friend...so i said, "ok, renee but im going to try to use the restroom real fast, because i havent been able to pee and i really have to go." and she gave me a funny look and was like, alright well go. so once again i tried to go and i couldnt. so i came out and told renee i wasnt able to go, and she asked did it hurt, which it did, and blah blah blah. so i said id do the makeover still, because at that point there was nothing else i could do. well i had met renees friend before, and renee had told her what was going on so we talked about it while i was doing her makeover. i got done with her makeover around 125, and renee had called rocky at the drugstore she used to work at and he said just for me to go ER because if i couldnt give them a urine sample at the doctors office they would just send me to the ER for a cathetar anyway. so before i left i tried one more time to pee, and was somewhat successful. i peed for a long time, but it still didnt feel like everything was out. it felt like i had stopped mid-pee, and that sucks! also, the lower area of my stomach was incredibly swollen--i mean, bad swollen. i couldnt even suck in or squeeze my abs. so off to the hospital. HOSPITAL (The Vagina Tales): i went to the emergency room, but i couldnt give them a urine sample so they had to give me a cathetar...which let me tell you fucking sucks! it hurts when they put it in, and it hurts for about the first 30 minutes its in (which, in the words of chase, is 30 minutes too long)...you kind of get used to it after awhile, but its still super uncomfortable. well anyway, i emptied 400 CCs into the little bag, and they told me anything over 300 CCs is entirely too much. over the next hour and a half to two hours it doubled into 800 CCs...next came blood work, which isnt too bad. ive had my blood drawn a zillion times, and in fact i have let my brother practice giving me IVs, so it wasnt so bad. after that, though, was the pelvic examination. this was not an ordinary pelvic examination...normally they use this metal instrument to stick up you and open you up so they can swipe your cervix...WELL...this time around the doc used and enormous, clear plastic instrument that was the size of AT LEAST a large barrelled curling iron. then he uses that to pry my little virgin oraface into the size of a fucking grapefruit. of course, i cant see whats going on, but thats what it feels like, because i saw the size of the instrument and he definitely put his entire hand up there and was pushing around and feeling stuff. now, with me being...shall we say, not too promiscuous, im new to the whole "sticking extremely large, hard "instruments" into the vagina" thing, so on top of feeling unbelievable violated, i was somewhat sore, plus i still had the cathetar in the whole time, making it even more freaking uncomfortable. i seriously feel bad for women in labor, because i know they have to feel ten times worse and more violated then i felt yesterday. mad props to lindsay! anyway, back to the tales of my vagina...they were going to do an intravaginal ultrasound but since im not sexually active they decided it wasnt necessary. they gave me a regular ultrasound, which was still uncomfortable. what they did is fill my bladder back up with saline so they could see all the organs...so it really sucked that i felt like i was about to piss my pants and they were pushing all over my stomach with vaseline-like jelly and cold metal. but when they were done they FINALLY took the cathetar out. it sucked getting down from the table i was originally on, getting in a wheel chair and then getting onto another table with that cathetar in. it hurts to stand up with a cathetar, let alone climbing up and down from tables. so whats the verdict? well, i have a cyst of one of my ovaries and the doc thinks i am retaining urine. he thinks its getting pushed back in to my ureters...he doesnt really know why, so i am going to a urologist today. at first he was like, "i am going to leave the cathetar in and give you a back you can attatch to your leg..." and then he never even finished because i shot him a LOOK. so he finished with, "...or you can go home without it, try to pee and if it works, great, if not, come back and we'll give you another cathetar." so as of right now my vagina is off scott free...but who knows what theyll do to me later today. and if you think my story is over... HOME (Post Vagina Tales): once im home, i just chill...i clean the house a little bit, because i got in some weird OCD mood. i got to pee once, and it hurt SO SO BAD. after having a tube up your pee hole it becomes a little sensitive. anyways....chase came over to keep me company, and i adore him for it. he brought the movie "hear no evil see no evil" or something like that. it was really hilarious, i recommend it to anyone who wants a good comedy. its very clever. so anyway, all was going well, chase left a little before two. i walked him out to his car, and then i went back inside to try to pee. if i couldnt pee i was going to drive myself back to the hospital for the cathetar. so i sat down on the toilet for a few minutes...maybe 8 or 9 minutes, and i finally had a small, painful trickle. well i started getting really really dizzy and lightheaded. i stood up, and almost fell over trying to pull up my pants. i looked in the mirror and everything was spinning. i put my head in my hands and tried to wait a second, but i started to open to bathroom door to go to my room but i ran into the door...at this point, i cant see what im doing, and all i remember is hearing a bunch of thudding noises (me running into the bathroom door and my bedroom door i suppose) and then (distantly) my parents opening their bedroom door and yelling "amanda are you ok?! amanda? amanda?" and i couldnt respond. i had collapsed as i was walking through my bedroom door...i didnt even remember making it out of the bathroom. my head was swimming like crazy, and i couldnt move at all. finally i could talk a little, words like yes, no, and dont touch me...but other than that my head was too scrabbled to think of anything else to say. i just lay there, and i didnt want to be touched because if i moved...well, i dont know what would have happened, but it wouldnt have felt good. after laying there for a few minutes i decided i was ok enough to get up and walk to my bed...wrong. as soon as i got up i got incredibly dizzy again, and i fell over into my bed. i just lay there for awhile, not moving because my head was so light. everything sounded far away. so anyway i woke up this morning with a knot on my head (its small) and a cut on my hand and tongue...i suppose i bit my tongue but i dont know what i did to my hand. i also bent my glasses all out of whack. and im extremely exhausted just from typing all that. thanks to lindsay and erin, who both called to check on me, and thanks to chase for cheering me up with good cds, movies and company :) i heart you all.

i havent updated in forever. chase and i went to see the stills on wednesday in ATL, and it was freakin awesome. they played with searay, and they were soooooooo good. both bands were teriffic, and chase and i had way too much fun. we ate at this place called soul veg, and its all made out of soy and tofu and organic stuff, and it was hella good. i had a tofu sandwich on whole wheat bread and some of chases macaroni...which isnt really macaroni, but it tastes pretty good. the cornbread was yummy, chase had bbq tofu and it was also good. so in the past week, ive gotten 6 cds... the stills - logic will break your heart mellowdrone - cant remember off the top of my head ("go get em tiger" maybe?) matt pond pa - emblems pink floyd - the final cut (deluxe cd, anniversary edition) long since forgotten - standing room only bayside - cant remember this either well anyway, they are all awesome cds. today was my lil sisters graduation. it was so hectic this morning, but then we came back home and had a bbq with me, chase, courtney, oscar, some people from my sisters work, mom, dad and meme and papa. good times :) i got to see a lot of people at the show last night. it was great to get to hang with everyone. i also got to meet riah from kentucky, which was super cool. shes a funny gal. she brought her gay friend caleb, and it was so hilarious because we were sitting on the curb outside java (caleb and i) singing random britney spears songs and laughing, and goes, "oh my god, we could be sisters!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i almost died. also, instead of saying "oh my god" he likes to literally say "O-M-G" like you would on the internet. haha oh my, he was a character. well anyways, i am determined to get to bed at a decent hour, so goodnight and take it sleazy :)

lets see...so last night was erica's going away party...which was fun, except for all the drama at the end. but this guitar player joe d. was just awesome. i cant wait until hes done recording so i can get his cd. then chase and i had a hilarious conversation in the disc exchange parking lot for 5 hours...and i had absolutely too much fun. i got to see the new store yesterday, and it looks great. i cant wait to start working again...(wait, who says they cant wait to start working? lol) my parents are the coolest.

leavinglaskhole: where is this secret location. supergirlvidel: if i were to tell you it wouldnt be a secret leavinglaskhole: how true leavinglaskhole: but who likes secrets anyhow supergirlvidel: thats right. secrets dont make friends leavinglaskhole: and friends don't make enemies leavinglaskhole: i was going with either neighbors or enemies. enemies made more sense supergirlvidel: keep your friends close and your enemies closer supergirlvidel: haha leavinglaskhole: dont count your chickens before they've hatched. supergirlvidel: dont put all your eggs in one basket leavinglaskhole: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush supergirlvidel: the early bird catches the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese leavinglaskhole: heartburn, nauseau. indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, hey, pepto bismo. leavinglaskhole: oh wait. leavinglaskhole: cliches, not jingles supergirlvidel: haha it made me laugh...i was trying to think of the nyquil ad supergirlvidel: by the way...may i ask who this is? leavinglaskhole: the coughing, wheezing, snotty, fever, so you can rest stuff supergirlvidel: i dont think they say snotty, lol supergirlvidel: sneezing maybe leavinglaskhole: Nate. I know so few people, that Im sure Im a stranger. leavinglaskhole: I thought I heard snotty supergirlvidel: well...i didnt know what secret place you were talking about leavinglaskhole: There is apparently some show at a secret location. leavinglaskhole: I want in, damnit. supergirlvidel: OH...did you get my IM off of knoxshows? leavinglaskhole: because Ive been told secrets dont make friends. supergirlvidel: hahaha leavinglaskhole: I did. supergirlvidel: OH ok supergirlvidel: i was like, who is this person? :-) supergirlvidel: what is your name on there? leavinglaskhole: and you guys are hard people to break leavinglaskhole: if people know, they sure aren't spilling the beans leavinglaskhole: Ill find the weakest link supergirlvidel: im not exactly sure where its at...i think its a going away party for someone leavinglaskhole: oh. Im not on there. supergirlvidel: oh leavinglaskhole: yet supergirlvidel: i see...hmm, yeah i think its specifically for someone, so i dont know if its by invitation or what supergirlvidel: if its the one im thinking of leavinglaskhole: see. I had this grainy webcam thingee on a shitty old computer. Now, I have shitty new computer, and Im waiting to get a real digital camera. leavinglaskhole: then Ill put up a profile. supergirlvidel: ah, i see supergirlvidel: i am going to redo mine shortly leavinglaskhole: otherwise, Ill hafta just use a picture of ricky martin or something. supergirlvidel: haha! you totally should... leavinglaskhole: not because thats what I look like, just because its the only picture on my computer. supergirlvidel: or patrick swazy leavinglaskhole: but then, who DOESN'T have pictures of him. leavinglaskhole: right supergirlvidel: brb mom wants me to go to the pharmacy supergirlvidel: with her leavinglaskhole: its the underwear one. leavinglaskhole: thats why its so darn secret. supergirlvidel: yeah i think i have that... (right) supergirlvidel: haha oh yeah i think i heard someone mention "underwear party"...haha thatd be hilarious. supergirlvidel: but ok i will be back. leavinglaskhole: ok supergirlvidel: ever had cheerwine? leavinglaskhole: is it cheese? supergirlvidel: haha mmm, no. its a soda leavinglaskhole: then no supergirlvidel: they dont sell it very much around here leavinglaskhole: ever had cheese? leavinglaskhole: they sell it a good deal around here supergirlvidel: hmmm...no i dont think ive ever had cheese...what do they use it for? leavinglaskhole: well, its a good word to describe bad jokes like the ones Ive been making. supergirlvidel: hahaha leavinglaskhole: thanks for humoring me.