first of all, i cant find a job down here. i dont know when my refund check is going to be in, and i think im still going to need a couple hours a week after that for extra spending money, since i will use the check to pay my bills. i have to pay for that ticket coming up, so im really stressed about that. but i cant just go home, renee and todd and midge and eddie invested so much on me coming down here. i feel like everything they did would have been a waste--especially because i told them i had a job--which i thought i did, the women just informed me when i got down here that she didnt need me. so i was shit out of luck, pretty much. and the grill cant work with a student schedule, so...i really dont want to disappoint the howards. its just SO hard, they dont understand--there are NO jobs here. i have applied so many places and been to so many interviews--i just dont know what else to do. a lot of friends have offered to lend me money, but i really dont want to borrow anymore, im in debt enough as it is. and im not being prideful for not taking peoples money, its just that its not their responsibility ive got to pay my phone bill too, or its going to be cut off.
my roommate is driving me crazy. most of the time we get along, but sometimes she does things that just make me irate. for example, we were watching an old move, and i didnt know what time it was set it...it was during some war. she acted like i was a complete idiot because i didnt know when the war was. she was like "dont you CARE about your nation's history?" frankly, no. i moved around so much as a kid that i was never in a school longer than 6-9 months. every school i went to was at a different place in english, history, math, any part of the curriculum. i learned jack shit about history, and it really doesnt interest me now. i watched primal fear last night, and she went to watch the ball game down stairs. when she came back up i asked her had she ever seen it, and she said no and made this face like "um, no. thats stupid." she all the time acts like the things i do or, in this case, the movies i watch are stupid. thats one thing that drives me nuts...she likes movies like The Transporter for crying out loud! She wont watch a movie that has cussing in it unless its one she wants to watch...if its one I want to watch, shell say "i dont want to watch this, i think it has too much language. are you going to finish watching it? because if you are ill go downstairs or leave the room or something." i know its so petty, but most of the time its her tone of voice. i guess thats what happens with roommates--you start picking out their small faults and thats what really grates on your nerves. i just get so sick of her high and mighty, holier-than-thou attitude. i dont know maybe im PMSing.
i talked to blake the other night, and it was really good to see how he was doing. it seems like hes much happier now that hes doing his own thing. he broke away from what he was expected to do, or what was routine or what was easiest to do, and things are going really well for him. im glad for him, because for awhile he seemed so unhappy and i hated to see him that way. i guess in that way he and i are in the same situation--i broke away from the norm and came down here--but if only he knew what kind of impact he had on me moving to mississippi...thats one truth, i think, that i have never been able to tell him.
im just really upset because i really really miss home, and things were so much easier there, as far as job stability and whatnot. but if i DO go home, i know im going to find myself in the same situations I based my decision for leaving on. Im really afraid of disappointing renee and todd, i dont want to have to help my parents pay the bills anymore, i dont want to feel pulled in a thousand different directions by a thousand different people. things would be ok down here if i could just get a job. it really is a nice break from everything and everyone i wanted to get away from, so its not that im ungrateful. im just really stressed because i dont know what to do, and today has just been disappointing. im just filled with an overwhelming sadness...