well, good news.

this morning i had definitely decided i was withdrawing from the university so i could go home and not be so stressed about a job and money and all the while help my parents pay their bills. i could go to school next semester at walter state. well i went to see nancy in financial aid to talk to her about that. she called in mr. rainer, and basically they decided to give me a perkins loan through the school. that was good, but it didnt help me get a job, and i still owed some money to the school. they were doing every kind of override they could to try to get things taken care of. i had to go to class and they had a meeting with the vice president of the university to go to, so they said come back after class. i did, and at the meeting they talked to the vp and exlained my situation. in a nutshell, he told them to increase one of my scholarships (i have 3 through the school--one for $4000, one for $1500 and one for $1800...but tuition is right at 14 thou) from $1800 to over $4000, since i have all As in my classes and they can tell i am working hard for my degree. im not sure exactly WHAT they did, but i get a refund check for almost $1500 and job in financial aid. so it appears things are set...i went and talked to dr. wesley (the vp) and thanked him.

but today was still very...emotional. i was upset all morning, i just cried and cried. i didnt want to go back home, but i didnt feel like i had an option. i have been EVERYWHERE for a job, and i felt like i was just walking into a dead end. then they offered me a job, more scholarships, fee waivers, etc. id be stupid not to take that, so i did. but i am so sick of being everyones exception. everyones charity case. everyone having to see me vulnerable and everyone pitying me. I get to spend my life feeling indebted to all these gracious, pitying people. what a fucking way to live. and im not being proud...if theres one thing ive had to learn its how to be humble. dont be ashamed about accepting charity, right? just for once id like to be able to do something on my own, and not have to ask for help. maybe for once be on the other side of the altruism. be the philanthropist. but i would never pity.

i went down to the second floor to make cookies today, and ended up hanging out with this girl liz and her friend sarah from state. her friends dave and brian came up, and they invited me to spend the weekend in jackson with them. i couldnt this weekend, but i think were all going to do something next weekend. we went down to the river, and swung on the rope swing off the bridge. then, decided to get IN the river. it was kinda chilly. it was fun, and i was glad to meet some people who have some of the same interests. they also take trips out to cleveland...apparently some guy has bands play shows at his house, and then whoever wants to just crashes for the night, since its 2 hours away from us. they said next time they go i was more than welcome, so i think that sounds like fun.

well, i cant go home for halloween. but thats ok i guess, i really need to focus on things here.